May 15, 2014

How to Emotionally Scar Your Friends (our first stripper) #FirstsTotalSocial

Fair warning, this is a bachelorette story, and it's mildly raunchy. It could have been worse, but for us, it was already bad enough.

I, along with a mutual friend (we'll call her Melisandre), was selected to be a bridesmaid for a friend who got married just last year (Sansa, yep, we're doing this Game of Thrones thing). Her sister was the maid of honor, but since she was only 19, it was up to Melisandre and myself to handle whatever sort of naughty bachelorette celebrations would occur.

Since we did such a great job, I'm presenting this as a how to.

How to emotionally scar your friends - a bachelorette party planning mishap | Business, Life & Design

That's right.  How to Emotionally Scar Your Friends

Step 1.  Never consult the bride.  Obviously the surprise factor is far more important than asking her what she would like or is comfortable with.  Assume you've known her long enough to figure out what she'll like.

Step 2.  Agonize over your options for a few weeks, and then, when you're starting to feel a bit lost and overwhelmed, pick the first website you see!  Those men look friendly, and the site totally credible!

Step 3.  Put deposits down on a hotel room and for your male entertainer as soon as possible.  Don't leave time for second thoughts or changing your mind.

Step 4.  Buy enough booze for an army, despite the fact that you've only got 5 attendees.  Liquor makes everything fun!  Oh, also have communication issues with the bride's family up until the moment of the party.  It's a great enhancement!

Step 5.  Kidnap your friend from the arms of her loving fiance and bring her to the hotel/casino you've selected as the site of your debauchery.  Pretend the hotel party is the entire surprise, but get the bride started on jello shots while you await your male entertainer.

Step 6.  Slip out of the room when you get the call.  If she catches you, make an excuse about talking to your boyfriend.  She'll be mad, but only until you return with the surprise...

Step 7.  Meet "Markie" down in the lobby.  Brief him on the bride's personality on the way up.  Realize you're in way over your head as he starts asking what level of physical contact she's ok with, and reassures you that it's ok for the ladies to get naked.  Uh, what?

Step 8.  Realize that "strip tease" for a man means the clothes come off in about 2 seconds and the "dancing" is minimal.  Hopelessly accept that for the next hour you will be paying some strange man to grope and grind on everyone, and that you could have gotten this for free at any bar.  Play the cringing game: when the thong comes all the way off, when he pulls out the whipped cream, when he offers private services in the restroom.  You get the idea.

Step 9.  Finally, escort him out, pay him, and heave a sigh of relief.  It's finally over and no one compromised their integrity or their relationship.  Though you all probably feel unclean and/or violated and the song Scream & Shout by gives everyone uncomfortable flashbacks.

Please tell me someone else has epic-ly screwed up their bridesmaid duties, as well!  Share your stories in the comments or link to your blog!

Linking up with Helene in Between and Venus Trapped in Mars for this month's first-themed #TotalSocial, a first in and of itself.

Helene in Between