Mar 26, 2015

I See You Checkin' Out My Bumper

Actually it's the other way around.  I'm checking out other people's bumpers, because my car is entirely lacking in adhesive rear-end decor.

But sometimes I wonder what people are really trying to convey with some of those stickers.  And sometimes I hate them regardless of what they're trying to convey because traffic aka road rage.  So I thought I'd make a list of where cliched bumper stickers fall on my Hate/Acceptance scale.

Immediate Rage


  1. I Love My [insert dog breed].  Yes, that's a cute sticker.  Oh, look, it's a dog bone because you're talking about dogs!  That's so creative!  In all seriousness, that's great that you love your dog.  But you're driving slow, you and your dog are unfortunate victims of my unnecessary driving-induced anger, and you should really consider adopting.  Moving on.
  2. Political Stickers.  Get over yourself.  Dealing with traffic is bad enough without getting pissed off at you shoving your political agenda in my windshield (not literally, hopefully).
  3. Bullet Holes.  You're dumb.
  4. Balls.  Not a bumper sticker, but come on!  Really?  No one wants to look at that.
  5. Driving Critiques.  Really?  Do you know how close I had to get to your car to read what you were trying to tell me?  It was so dangerous!  Hypocrite.  (Note: the best ones are the ones against cell phones when the driver is on the phone.  Not nearly as uncommon as you'd hope.)


Depends on Traffic


  1. Family Stick Figures.  I have no logical reason to hate this; it's just cheesy.  But if the traffic has caused my blood to boil, then it really doesn't matter.  Curses on you and your perfect little family!  Exception: Star Wars or zombie family.  Hey, at least you tried to be creative.  In the height of road rage I might still hate you, but for the most part you're spared my unnecessary and impotent rage.
  2. My Child is a [Something I'm Proud of].  Good for you!  Your child was given the "koalaty award" just like every other child.  That's so special!  Apologies for my road rage induced sarcasm.  As long as I'm not bumper to bumper with you for too long, I'll probably stay level headed enough to admit it's nice of you to support your family member.
  3. Bumper Stickers Making Fun of Other Bumper Stickers.  I get that it's a joke.  But at what point in making a Facebook page for your dog to be funny do you just become the guy who has a Facebook page for his dog?  And very few of these are clever enough to be any better than what they're mocking.  So usually rage, but the occasional chuckle.  It depends.


That's Pretty Alright


  1. Mileage (ex 13.1).  I kinda get this.  You trained for something, you worked hard, you completed it.  Even my completely illogical driving brain has nothing negative to say about that.  Good job!  Celebrate that achievement!
  2. Coexist.  I had to look this up because I didn't actually know what it meant.  Good message, pretty to look at, no complaints here.
  3. Anything original that isn't making fun of or criticizing someone else.  Unless traffic is particularly bad.  Then no one is spared.


To sum up: I might need help with my driving anger management.

What do you do to avoid road rage?  Do you have an irrational hatred of anything (cough, cough, bumper stickers)?


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8 comments:

  1. I saw a personalized license plate yesterday on my commute to work that said, "BIK2WRK". Shouldn't the driver have been...well, on a bike?

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    Replies
    1. Damn, I wish there was a like button. I'd have totally liked your comment :) But that reminds me, people on bikes on the road makes me full of road rage.

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    2. Lol! Yes, that's an excellent point. But maybe they just wanted everyone else to bike to work so they wouldn't have as much traffic. No point in practicing what you preach!

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  2. I pretty much hate bumper stickers in general. One isn't bad but I cant stand looking at cars that are all junked up. And most of them are pretty lame or not original. Stick families make me super rage for no reason at all. Probably because I have road rage...

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  3. Obviously my computer hates me. I tried to comment to Mary Jane Bruce to tell her that comment was awesome, and that people on bikes make me full of rage, but it wouldn't let me actually hit publish. Then I had a whole loooong comment about how I agree with all your instant rages, but your depends on traffic, is also my instant rages. I do agree with your pretty ok. I have no idea why I hate stick figure families so much but I do. Its like yeah I know you have a ton of kids. The mini van tipped me off.

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  4. This was the beat post I read all week. Seriously it contained humor, points of views that I agree with and just all around truth. I applaud you friend!

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  5. hahaha i love this. i hate the family stick things. i saw one once that had a woman bending in front of a man and it said 'how we make our stick family' and i thought it was pretty funny. the political ones make me RAGE.

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  6. This cracked me up! I hate the stick figure families but what I really hate the most are personalized license plates...mainly because no one can ever fit what they really want to say into only 7 characters so I just have to look at it and go wtf? I'd rather they just get a bumper sticker ;)

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