Aug 8, 2017

That Time I Broke Up with a Guy Over a Poptart

Once upon a time, I dated a guy whose name started with "T" and who was way too hot for me.  T had been a wrestler in high school and had the muscles to prove it.  T was also not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, and we were not at all well suited to each other, but that's not the reason I broke up with him.

No, no, it had nothing to do with things like "We're a total mismatch" or "Good conversation is important to me."  It was a pop-tart that struck the death blow.

That fateful day began like any other.  T and I had been dating for a couple of months.  We were pretty casual about our relationship and I probably felt more excitement that "a boy likes me!" than specific warm-and-fuzzies for him in particular.

We caught the bus together on our way to the college campus (DART bus ftw!), and while we chatted I pulled out my breakfast.  It was somewhat more exciting than the usual grab-from-the-pantry meal because my mom had purchased s'mores pop-tarts, which everyone knows is the best flavor!

T asked what I was eating and then said, "Oh, I've never tried that before."

Whaaaat?  Thinking I was about to save him from a life impoverished by the lack of s'mores pop-tarts, I handed one of my two-pack to him.

"This is gross."

My mouth hung open with shock and dismay.  Gross?  The most delicious boxed food known to man???  Well, at least T was still beautiful.

Then he took another bite.  Instant rage.

"What are you doing?!"

"What do you mean?"

"That's my breakfast!  If you don't like it, don't keep eating it!!  It's completely wasted on you and then I WON'T GET TO EAT IT!!!"

"Ok, sheesh."

He surrendered the pop-tart, seeming mildly put off by my outburst and not at all contrite, and that's when I knew.  It was over.

In my head at the time, this made sense because if it was the "right" relationship, we would never have gotten irritated with each other over something so minor as a pop-tart.

Now that I'm married, I know better.  A long-term relationship is basically agreeing to continue arguing over pop-tarts indefinitely.  And other things equally as frivolous and meaningless.

"Ryan P. Different-last-name-than-me, I take thee in man colds and in overzealous bursts of exercise, for the purchases of excessively expensive gaming consoles only to be used for a week or two and for the insistence that pizza delivery isn't worth the additional cost over frozen store-bought, to nag and to bicker with, until we decide we can't hack it anymore.  This is my solemn vow."

What's the most ridiculous reason you ever broke up with someone?  If you're in a longterm relationship, what are the most ridiculous things you argue over now?


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3 comments:

  1. HAhaha but that's a total legit reason, I mean, poptarts! I haven't broken up with someone for this reason but I have refused to date them - being allergic to dogs. Deal breaker, 100%. Don't care if you're a crown price or A list actor, I will always have a dog!

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  2. Hahahah!!!!! But like, never trust a person who doesn't like smores poptarts. Obviously there is something wrong with them. Also - purchases of excessively expensive gaming consoles only to be used for a week or two- THIS!!!! Chris has a PS4 and a PS4Pro. Because the Pro does 4K and obviously he needed that since we now have a 4K TV too. You know how often he has turned that thing on? 90% of his games are still in wrappers. Sheesh.

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  3. Ha. This is great. I dumped a boyfriend because he called my brother annoying. I was like NOPE. (My brother was annoying, but bf didn't get to say that shit.)
    I'm not a huge fan of poptarts, but I don't think they're gross ;)

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