Oct 9, 2017

In My Darkest Moments

Remember how I was so positive I didn't have postpartum depression?  Well, I read on someone's blog (and I didn't research this because I really just don't see the point of dwelling on it too much) that postpartum is actually NOT characterized by typical feelings of sadness and hopelessness, but anger, irritation, and lashing out at loved ones.


IF that is true (and I'm still not going to Google it), then there's a teeny, tiny chance that perhaps my counselor was right and I was having a bit of postpartum.  Perhaps.

Because I've been pretty damn reactive ever since having the baby.  Every little thing is irritating, and for a long, long time I was mad at Ryan at least once a day every single day.  Sometimes for most of the day.

Although part of me thinks this is more due to sleep deprivation than anything else, but even after a whole week! of getting 6+ hours, I'm still less tolerant than I'd like to be.

That friend needing favors and always wanting to talk about her wedding.  OMFG, leave me alone!

Any moment I'm working (which is 99% of the time) and Ryan isn't (almost never but it does happen).  HOW DARE YOU?!  Can't you see how tired I am?  Why do YOU get a break???

That friend whose marriage is shit, and her job pays shit, and she's pregnant and wants me to be happy for her.  I'm trying, I really am, but Jesus, woman!  Get your life together.

Toast peeing on the rug for the bajillionth time, and always being afraid, and having so many needs.  I'm sorry baby dog, but I have, for the first time ever since getting our first dog, had the occasional wistful thought about how much easier life would be without you.  For the record, we DO NOT get rid of pets.  I also don't drive off of bridges, or punch people in the face, but you know how the mind wanders sometimes.

When people are so proud of themselves for not being interested in something that's currently popular or trending or whatever.  Oh, you don't love pumpkin spice?  My, what a rare, special unicorn you are!  Oh, the eclipse is boring?  I'm so glad you're proud of being uninterested in science.  I just don't see the point in talking about how you don't want to talk about something.  Why not, instead, just talk about what you want to talk about?

Unsolicited advice, from anyone.

Woo-woo.  In my personal life, sure, but I've run out of patience for manifesting, law of attraction, and any other supposed business advice that life coaches use to make money off of other people.  One life coach had us all stating our "true" income goals, and encouraged us to be ambitious.  Her number?  $100,000/month.  WTF?  Who makes that much, other than CEOS?  What would you even do with that much money?  It's a ridiculous fucking number pulled out of her ass that has no bearing to the value of her services or the likelihood that she'll ever offer enough product or service to get there.  And she's going to manifest it by believing it's true.  I'm so done with this bullshit.

In a similar vein, quick fixes.  Anyone telling me I can make "quick, easy money" from their shady-ass MLM, or that I can make money by manifesting instead of working, I can be healthy from essential oils instead of diet and exercise, or happy just by keeping a gratitude list and lighting some candles.  Life is work, people!  Even happiness is work and sure, some of those techniques help but only after being applied consistently over time.  And they're no replacement for having a solid base.  A healthy lifestyle, a healthy mindset, a life and job you want to be living, a strong work ethic, and a good business model.

Now, I'm not in a constant state of irritation, but it doesn't take much and in some of my darker moments, I feel this, all of this, all at once.  It's overwhelming.  So yeah, anything taking up extra mental energy, and everything nonessential, is getting set aside at the moment.

Call it an act of self care, all this stepping back and letting go and minimizing down.  I've got the essential oils, too, but I think the biggest contributor to feeling better and removing some of this irritable haze from my days is the extra sleep and endorphins from running 3 days a week.

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