Nov 13, 2017

It's a Pity Party and You're Invited

Last night was rough.  In a "what were we thinking when we decided to have a child" kind of way.  I think it was worse because I thought we were over the hump - Orion had had a fever Friday and Saturday and been back to normal on Sunday, and then Sunday night he just lost his shit.

It was particularly frustrating because he was already asleep in bed.  And then I opened the door to turn his light off and it gave the teeniest, tiniest creeeeak.  Boom!  Baby awake and screaming for 3. Fucking. Hours.

Not that he went back to sleep after 3 hours, but after 3 hours I gave up and asked Ryan to take a turn.  I have limits, guys!

And he was awesome and kept him all night but that didn't stop me from sleeping through my alarm and being 1.5 hours late to work today.

I told Ryan, only half-joking, that a few more nights like that and Orion won't have any younger siblings.  Nights like that make me wonder why anyone has multiple children.  And it also makes me wonder how so many people used to manage large families.

Did they cry every day from lack of sleep?  Were they just way tougher than I am?  Is our generation inherently more selfish because we put our own personal happiness before the desire to procreate and raise more humans?

I don't know and it doesn't matter.  But I should probably stop complaining to my mom because she did this 3 times over AND she didn't have much help from her husband or parents (the latter because they were across the country, not because they didn't care).

So that's the current thing blackening my demeanor.  But if I'm really honest and take a look a little deeper I know it's not just one night of screaming baby.  My grandmother died and our trip out to visit her during the 30 days the doctor gave her was hard.  It was just sad and stressful and traveling with a baby is the worst.

And my aunt a couple months before that.  Which was so unexpected and tragic because of her relative youth.  2016 was hard for me because of marital issues, and Ryan's (perhaps related) anxiety.  I spent the better part of that year feeling like I couldn't depend on him and that I was on my own.

Having a baby is magical and wonderful and hard and you get no sleep and, if you aren't careful to do some sort of self care, end up hating life and counting down to the end of each day.  So while I'm glad we had our son, the beginning of 2017 was rife with its own challenges, and now that we're starting to settle in to having a baby and getting more comfortable with it, there's other challenges, too.

I guess what I'm saying is that I can't remember the last time life was easy.  Just for a few months at a time.  And maybe that makes me lazy or weak or selfish but I really wish I could have that back again.

I think the happiest I can remember being is leading up to my wedding.  Sure, we were "busy" with planning.  But an elopement doesn't really take THAT much planning.  And while I had the occasional client, it was just a drop in the bucket now and again as far as time consumed.  Mostly I worked my full time job, worked out, and did whatever I wanted to in my free time.

I read a lot that year.  I played video games.  I finished whole TV series in a week or two.  Guys, I played mother fucking candy crush for weeks!

I can't imagine doing that now.  When Orion was sick, Ryan and I watched 5 episodes of Stranger Things, because fever baby = cuddly, sleepy baby.  It felt as world-altering as the things going on in the show itself.  5 hours of TV?  That's ludicrous!

So I guess what this all leads up to is I'm feeling sorry for myself because I made a lot of choices that mean I don't get free time anymore.  And I also intend to travel as little as possible because babies on planes, babies in cars, and babies in public for more than an hour or two all suck.

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